As most of you probably already know, I am a Sacred Intimate, Tantrika and a Massage therapist that specializes in Healing Touch and Body Awakening Massage.
I love my job, everything about it, the people I meet, the connection with the other person, the magic that happens when mindful touch, breath and orgasm come together and the person I am working with leaves feeling a million times better than when they first walked through my door.

Sometimes I can be a bit judgemental If I am honest, when I hear about the trauma that goes on behind closed bedroom doors. You see my client's confide in me a lot, they know that the information they share with me is confidential, the common thread though is that everything comes back to Sex and Intimacy.  They come to me because they are lacking in this department and my offerings involve Touch, lots of it.
I am sure that I wouldn't see half the people if their partner's actually took more effort in touching them. So when I say I am judgemental it is because I feel for my client's, I empathize with them and I get a little annoyed on their behalf that they are having to endure a relationship that does not totally fulfill their needs. I know that everyone has a choice and it is their choice of whether they stay or go...that's another blog post altogether.

So I am very aware within my own relationship with my partner of 6 years that we need to as a couple keep the home fires burning and the spicy juices flowing.
Even though I am facilitating pleasure pathways for other's on a daily basis it is extremely important for me, to not neglect my own relationship.  So once in a while my partner and I will organize a weekend of shared massage with fellow practitioners or like minded friends.  Usually these shared massages will be four or six handed massage, we share our skills and our love for touch, have a lovely dinner together and a laugh together etc.  On all previous occasions I have been instrumental in my partners massage with other practitioner's, so when it has come time for him to have his "happy ending" release, I have been the one with my hands firmly on the controls.  Until last week that was...

Last week, we did it slightly differently. Last week, I got to watch from across the room, while my beloved received his pleasures from another woman...a beautiful wild redhead called Jan.  I could already feel that this new experience was going to be a biggie for me, the energy was  coursing through my  body as I watched her tenderly take over the reins of my stallion with such focus and dedication. At some point during his massage, I could feel my own root chakra burning, then my bladder kicked in and I wanted to evacuate the building and get away from this ritual, as far away as possible.  My beloved was enjoying himself, and I felt left out.  In my world I was the one that was in charge of his pleasure, and here was someone else showing me, that he could experience pleasure without me.

I got to feel very different very quickly as my own buttons  were being pushed. Buttons that I didn't realize were still active, lurking in the shadows, ego, fear, insecurity, jealousy... I found it very interesting to sit in these feelings and let them flow in and out of my own body and my mind. even though I wanted to run, I stayed and witnessed the experience unfolding in front of me, I kept on telling myself that this was not about me, but all about him.  That in my love for him, I should allow him to enjoy his pleasures without feeling guilty..it wasn't as if he was doing this behind my back, I was in the room, we had discussed the scenario and the intentions prior to the massage taking place and it had been my own idea, as Jan I are were going to be working together doing Four Handed Massage,  she wanted to show me her technique, and my man, was the willing guinea pig. Any excuse for touch or a massage, he will raise his hand..

When I got out of my shit long enough I was able to enjoy watching them as Jan worked expertly, moving the energy around his body, keeping him in a constant state of ecstasy, bringing him to the edge and then holding him there, until finally she allowed him the full body pleasure of orgasm.

In his afterglow, I lay with him and Jan and we talked about our individual experiences of the session.  I was grateful for the experience of awakening,and for the gift of love that I had given him, by allowing him to receive pleasure from another. I had also had a few realizations of my own, and was able to receive the gift of seeing things from a partner's perspective.  Two of the helpful realizations that came to me, was 

1.  I had witnessed my partner, as if I was the wife of a client.
2. I was now aware of  how my own partner feels when I work with clients. 

He was more aware too, of how important mutual touch is during a session. As during his session with Jan, she made sure that he was able to put his hand on her leg or her back, as this created the connection for the life force energy to flow, just like an electrical circuit.

I do this connection thing too, but from outside, watching my partner connect with Jan, did make me feel weary, but then I sat in those thought's and realized that I too, do this with my clients, and it does not mean that I want to jump the fence or leave my man for my client, this is just the way we work as Sacred Intimates, Tantrikas and Sensual Massage therapists,  this is why our clients feel so good when they are receiving touch from us, they feel connected through touch, reciprocal touch.  Having my partner affirm this fact to me in his own words, was great affirmation and permission in a way. This was good!

I also had a third realization, and that is, it is very important to feel like one is part of your partner's experience, I am sure that had I been included in the session with Jan and my man, I would not have felt so insecure, and I wouldn't have wanted to run away like a hurt little child.  But had I not had the privilege to witness this whole scenario unfolding in front of me, I would not have had the first two  realizations that made me more aware of my own client's feelings, and I would not have been inspired to write this post for other's to be educated on what happens on the "other side" of a Sensual Massage session.

I wholly encourage couples to find new out of the box ways to connect with each other and authenticate their relationships.  As well as encouraging open communication and adding a bit of spice to your life, it is worth it.. life is too short to be scared about stuff, wouldn't it be better to embrace new experiences, at least once? And if you really don't enjoy the experience at least you can say, we won't be doing that again, or hell yeah, lets have more of that!

Love Pauline
http://www.fullbodypleasures.co.nz

This is not going to be an easy blog post to write, but I am feeling led to complete it, due to the fact that lately it seems that I have been attracting beautiful souls with broken inner child issues. In layman's terms these are both Men and Women that experienced Incest from an early age. (Remember that there are many ways for incest to occur, I will delve into this subject in a later blogpost)

These are the Adult Children of society.  What is significant to me is that all these A.C are realizing how important it is to release the pain of childhood memories, because they have awareness that their childhood trauma's are having a detrimental impact on their personal lives with their spouses, their friendships with others, their careers and most importantly the health of their bodies.  They have realized that they need to rescue what is left of their Inner Child Within and start the recovery process so that they can start living again.

While it may seem that I have made the assumption in this instance that the abuse of the Inner Child Within was administered by the "Parent", sometimes this is not always the case, it could have been a brother, an uncle, an aunt or an older person that was placed in a position of responsibility to care for the child. For ease of writing this post, I will refer to this act as being perpetrated by the Toxic Parent. In my opinion and in the opinions of so many other researchers and authors of this subject, is that the symptoms of Adult Children have their foundation in the dysfunction of the Family of Origin. 

REVENGE
While so very tempting this method is not recovery at all. Revenge will however "Bog you down", create frustration and further unhappiness, work against your emotional well-being, stir up emotions between you and your parents/perpetrator, waste precious time and energy.

UNCOVERING AND ADMITTING
"The pain of admitting that our parent's were not capable of loving us (in perfect healthy ways) is much greater than the pain of believing that we were "bad" and didn't deserve love. And so we remain foreclosed, until the pain becomes so great that we must change. In other words our symptoms, our addictions and our pain are really our allies.  They tell us when the "Little Child Within" has had enough and want some help to grow up" Linda Friel/John Friel - Authors of Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfuntional Families

CONFRONTATION USING THE WRITTEN WORD
Confronting your tormentor in person can be very hard to do, especially if they are in denial which will most likely be the case.
A lot of strength and preparation is required on your part to confront this person that has hurt you.
Letter writing is one safe way that you can confront your attacker from a distance, it is also a way to communicate your feelings if the person/s is dead. 
Normally there is more than one person that has to be held accountable for your pain, because of this more than one letter should be written. (4-6)

1. Letter to the Aggressor (person that committed the action)
2. Letter to the Parents (if they were not the Agressor, they were the enablers)
3. Letter to the Inner Child Within
4. A Fairy tale about your life (here you can be as descriptive as possible, The aggressor is the villian, you are the maiden in distress... you can start your story "once upon a time", even draw pictures...
5. Letter to your partner (if you are in a relationship, most times your personal trauma has affected your relationship, this needs to be acknowledged in order to heal and move forward)
6. Letter to each of your children (if you have any children, this has affected them too, whether you are aware or not)

 Your letter's should have 4 statements within the body of it , as a general guide these statements should look as follows:

1. THIS IS WHAT YOU DID TO ME
2. HOW I FELT ABOUT IT AT THE TIME
3. THIS IS HOW IF AFFECTED MY LIFE
4. THIS IS WHAT I WANT FROM YOU NOW

Most people find this very therapeutic, letter writing provides a wonderful opportunity to organize what you want to say and rework it until you are satisfied.  It gives the recipient a chance to read it over more than once and to reflect on the contents.  It is also safer if you are dealing with a potentially violent parent/aggressor.

Even if it never gets delivered, it is certainly one way to connect with your Inner Child Within and then release the past. I am not discouraging you to  deliver this letter, this is up to you.
Go slowly, find a support person that you can read your letters to.
If you feel confident to confront your tormentor, do so only with the prior agreement that they will listen and not interrupt. 
You may need to practice what you are going to say before the actual meeting.  
If you feel you need more help, contact a therapist that has studied "Family Dynamics" such as myself.

FORGIVENESS
It was not my fault! I am not to blame! (repeat this statement as many times as you need, until you believe it)

It has long been the belief that one needs to "forgive" our aggressor for he/she didn't know better...blah blah blah, cough bullshit!!! If this was so, why then are all those people that have "forgiven" their tormentors, still alcoholics, manically depressed, sexually fucked up and abusing substances and just not doing well with life at all? Why???

Forgiveness is  appropriate only when parents / aggressor do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. 

If one or both parents are dead, you can still heal the damage, by forgiving yourself and releasing much of the hold that they had over your emotional well-being.
* So you do NOT have to forgive your parents/aggressor. Emotional and Mental peace will come from releasing yourself from your toxic parents/toxic aggressor without having to forgive them.
It is time now to focus on you, your needs and start the rebuild!

DON'T BE IN A RUSH TO FORGIVE, THIS IS NOT A SHORTCUT TO HEALING OR FEELING BETTER, IT IS A PROCESS OF RECOVERY
How? This release comes only after you have worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief, and after you have put the responsibility on their shoulders where it belongs.

• Recovery is a process
• Recovery cannot be done alone
• Recovery is painful
• Recovery means changes in how we feel, how we act and in what we believe
• Recovery means getting out of our roles
• In Recovery we Recover our Choices
• Recovery requires transcending paradoxes