Recovering from Incest: Healing the Inner Child Within

This is not going to be an easy blog post to write, but I am feeling led to complete it, due to the fact that lately it seems that I have been attracting beautiful souls with broken inner child issues. In layman's terms these are both Men and Women that experienced Incest from an early age. (Remember that there are many ways for incest to occur, I will delve into this subject in a later blogpost)

These are the Adult Children of society.  What is significant to me is that all these A.C are realizing how important it is to release the pain of childhood memories, because they have awareness that their childhood trauma's are having a detrimental impact on their personal lives with their spouses, their friendships with others, their careers and most importantly the health of their bodies.  They have realized that they need to rescue what is left of their Inner Child Within and start the recovery process so that they can start living again.

While it may seem that I have made the assumption in this instance that the abuse of the Inner Child Within was administered by the "Parent", sometimes this is not always the case, it could have been a brother, an uncle, an aunt or an older person that was placed in a position of responsibility to care for the child. For ease of writing this post, I will refer to this act as being perpetrated by the Toxic Parent. In my opinion and in the opinions of so many other researchers and authors of this subject, is that the symptoms of Adult Children have their foundation in the dysfunction of the Family of Origin. 

REVENGE
While so very tempting this method is not recovery at all. Revenge will however "Bog you down", create frustration and further unhappiness, work against your emotional well-being, stir up emotions between you and your parents/perpetrator, waste precious time and energy.

UNCOVERING AND ADMITTING
"The pain of admitting that our parent's were not capable of loving us (in perfect healthy ways) is much greater than the pain of believing that we were "bad" and didn't deserve love. And so we remain foreclosed, until the pain becomes so great that we must change. In other words our symptoms, our addictions and our pain are really our allies.  They tell us when the "Little Child Within" has had enough and want some help to grow up" Linda Friel/John Friel - Authors of Adult Children - The Secrets of Dysfuntional Families

CONFRONTATION USING THE WRITTEN WORD
Confronting your tormentor in person can be very hard to do, especially if they are in denial which will most likely be the case.
A lot of strength and preparation is required on your part to confront this person that has hurt you.
Letter writing is one safe way that you can confront your attacker from a distance, it is also a way to communicate your feelings if the person/s is dead. 
Normally there is more than one person that has to be held accountable for your pain, because of this more than one letter should be written. (4-6)

1. Letter to the Aggressor (person that committed the action)
2. Letter to the Parents (if they were not the Agressor, they were the enablers)
3. Letter to the Inner Child Within
4. A Fairy tale about your life (here you can be as descriptive as possible, The aggressor is the villian, you are the maiden in distress... you can start your story "once upon a time", even draw pictures...
5. Letter to your partner (if you are in a relationship, most times your personal trauma has affected your relationship, this needs to be acknowledged in order to heal and move forward)
6. Letter to each of your children (if you have any children, this has affected them too, whether you are aware or not)

 Your letter's should have 4 statements within the body of it , as a general guide these statements should look as follows:

1. THIS IS WHAT YOU DID TO ME
2. HOW I FELT ABOUT IT AT THE TIME
3. THIS IS HOW IF AFFECTED MY LIFE
4. THIS IS WHAT I WANT FROM YOU NOW

Most people find this very therapeutic, letter writing provides a wonderful opportunity to organize what you want to say and rework it until you are satisfied.  It gives the recipient a chance to read it over more than once and to reflect on the contents.  It is also safer if you are dealing with a potentially violent parent/aggressor.

Even if it never gets delivered, it is certainly one way to connect with your Inner Child Within and then release the past. I am not discouraging you to  deliver this letter, this is up to you.
Go slowly, find a support person that you can read your letters to.
If you feel confident to confront your tormentor, do so only with the prior agreement that they will listen and not interrupt. 
You may need to practice what you are going to say before the actual meeting.  
If you feel you need more help, contact a therapist that has studied "Family Dynamics" such as myself.

FORGIVENESS
It was not my fault! I am not to blame! (repeat this statement as many times as you need, until you believe it)

It has long been the belief that one needs to "forgive" our aggressor for he/she didn't know better...blah blah blah, cough bullshit!!! If this was so, why then are all those people that have "forgiven" their tormentors, still alcoholics, manically depressed, sexually fucked up and abusing substances and just not doing well with life at all? Why???

Forgiveness is  appropriate only when parents / aggressor do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. 

If one or both parents are dead, you can still heal the damage, by forgiving yourself and releasing much of the hold that they had over your emotional well-being.
* So you do NOT have to forgive your parents/aggressor. Emotional and Mental peace will come from releasing yourself from your toxic parents/toxic aggressor without having to forgive them.
It is time now to focus on you, your needs and start the rebuild!

DON'T BE IN A RUSH TO FORGIVE, THIS IS NOT A SHORTCUT TO HEALING OR FEELING BETTER, IT IS A PROCESS OF RECOVERY
How? This release comes only after you have worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief, and after you have put the responsibility on their shoulders where it belongs.

• Recovery is a process
• Recovery cannot be done alone
• Recovery is painful
• Recovery means changes in how we feel, how we act and in what we believe
• Recovery means getting out of our roles
• In Recovery we Recover our Choices
• Recovery requires transcending paradoxes

"Please understand that Recovery is lifelong, and it becomes less and less painful as we progress.
Recovery is a relearning process in which, step by step, we come to see and know the Little Child inside of us.

Recovery is allowing ourselves to experience the truth, at first, this is terribly painful. In the end, it lets us make that Child inside of us feel safe, warm, lovable, whole, proud, honest, peaceful and real." Linda Friel/John Friel - Adult Children, The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families

How do you begin?
First of all, you have already begun by acknowledging that something is not right.


I offer my services to you,to help you heal your way through your trauma.
All of my clients have found mindful body work combined with Reiki, Hot Stones , Crystal work, Talk therapy , Aromatherapy and even Absolute Surrender Role Play to be extremely effective in releasing emotional issues.
Understand that you are supported every baby step of the way.  Please give me a call to book a time to get you back onto the path of happiness and freedom.

Love Pauline
021 025 12226

"When you base the majority of your life decisions on how they will make your parents feel, you are relinquishing free choice. If their feelings always come first, they are in the drivers seat of your life." Susan Forward Ph.d - Author of Toxic Parents Overcoming their hurtful legacy and Reclaiming your Life

Honoring your feelings does not mean wallowing in them.  On the contrary when we can freely let go of our emotions they pass through and leave us free to act effectively.  Experiencing life fully in the present dissolves pain and allows us to move into the next present moment with clarity.

Powerful people are not those whose life flows with no pain, but those who have the strength to move through pain and come out richer on the other side.